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This is really a warning that is in everyone’s best interest: Do NOT give me coffee
But why, you ask?

I don’t drink coffee. I don’t like the taste of it (although I love the smell of it) and have never had a cup of coffee or any variation thereof, in my life.

So when a nice man came into my office today and gave me a coffee, I took a few sips to be polite but never intended to drink the whole thing. However, the coffee he brought was delicious! This delightful confection was full of sugar and cream and various tasty and high caloric things that masked the taste of the coffee that lurked somewhere in the drink. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire thing!

I had forgotten that I had not eaten anything that day and didn’t realize that this would be a full sugar/caffeine jolt to my system without any kind of buffer. Next thing I know everything is super funny and I can’t stop giggling!

I am at work! This behavior is unacceptable! I try to calm myself down but apparently that doesn’t extend to my feet which have started a tap dancing routine without my permission.

I am super excited to see everyone, and my speech starts getting incredibly fast paced. The baffled look of “what the hell?” crosses every ones face as they (try) to speak to me. I am bouncing along as I walk, with the occasional “Shuffle off to buffalo” tap move tossed in for good measure.

That random noise that everyone is hearing is me, tunelessly humming. One of my co-workers looked at me and said, “Look at her eyes! It’s like she’s on crack!”

My heart rate was accelerated and I was suddenly overcome with an urge to go shopping. Another co-worker called to tell me explicitly not to go shopping in this condition. “What does she know? I just want to go shopping…everywhere!”

Everything was extraordinarily fascinating but at the same time everything took me way longer to process than normal. I looked up how this drink is made; it has multiple shots of espresso in it! This is unacceptable!

Finally, about three hours later I finally crashed.

Please do not let me do this again! Now that I know there is a type of coffee out there that actually tastes good, but apparently is made with a bazillion shots of espresso, I will probably be tempted to try it once again. This is a bad plan! No matter how amusing it maybe, do not let me drink coffee. It is like letting a ferret loose in a room full of shiny objects. You don’t want to deal with that kind of crazy!

This public service announcement was brought to you by the letter C for Caffeine.

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