Warning: I am a bit of a jerk in this blog post. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but in my defense I was trying to get out of jury duty and felt the need to be as obnoxious as possible.
Nothing is more fun for someone with ADD then waiting in a room with a bunch of people who are told to stay quiet, with nothing to do or observe, and wait for information. So I was actually excited to be called into a room with other people for some questioning.
We were called into a small room and there were not more than 30 people in the room. They tell us to take a seat and wait for the nice people to come in and speak with us. We’ll be asked a few questions that will help whittle down the jury.
Some gentlemen come into the room and introduce themselves as people working on the trial. They have a few questions for us and that we’ll start right now.
To avoid going to jail I am not going to post the actual questions that were asked that could be construed to give any information on the case. But here is what (I think) I could put together about this case.
It’s a civil case and had something to do with business. There were some veiled questions about how we enjoyed looking at charts, reading forms and documents and things like that. Sounds like fun already
There must have been some ethical quandary about investigations and the process because they were also asking questions that could pertain to how we interpreted business ethics. Debating business ethics and moral ambiguity, even more fun!
Then the nice lawyers turned to me and asked me how I felt about law enforcement.
Speaking way to fast and enthusiastically I say “I love law enforcement; I am very pro law enforcement. My Dad and brother are part of the sheriff’s association, my cousin is a lawyer, a childhood friend works as a prosecuting attorney and my boss’s husband works for the Department of Homeland Security.”
“Thank you” the lawyer says as he starts to turn away from me.
Shit, what am I going to do to get off this jury? I was told if I pledged my undying loyalty to law enforcement that it was a sure fire way to get dismissed!
As the lawyer starts to speak I blurt out “And I’m pro-death penalty!”
He turns back around to look at me, incredulous that I have just yelled that out to the room.
I’m going to pretend that his was a calculated move on my part. In my fevered brain I figured that with this hasty declaration the people will conclude one of two things:
1) That I am an idiot who doesn’t know that the death penalty is not applicable to a civil case- and therefore I don’t have the brains to be on the jury
2) That I am an idiot that doesn’t have the brains to shut up and would be totally incapable of controlling herself during trial – and therefore I shouldn’t be on the jury
“Um…why?”, the nice gentleman asked. In retrospect I think it was asked more as a question of why had I exclaimed this and not why am I a proponent
“I’m Catholic; our entire religion is based on the death penalty”, I said very calmly as if that explained everything.
The nice lady to my left, a few empty seats down, bristles at this answer and loudly exclaims,” Young lady I cannot believe you said that! You need to read your Bible to understand the word of God”.
“I have read the Bible”, I replied. Because it’s true, I have read it and studied it multiple times and not just for a class assignment.
The lawyers at this time are now frantically trying to get control over what has turned into a debate over religion, and this is not a good way to get people to act impartially.
“Well then you need to pray before you read the holy word of our Lord so that you understand what he is saying”, she says very smugly, as if I was a small naughty child caught in a lie.
“It was a very nice book, but I don’t think I need to pray before reading it. That won’t change my comprehension of what it contains”.
Both lawyers are talking to both of us while waving their arms trying to get our attention. But we are now way to into this debate to stop and are totally ignoring them.
“Book!” she screeched, at which point this makes the lady start sputtering and squeaking at a very high pitched and rapid rate. To which I start talking over her, in order to cause the most commotion in this tiny echoing room as possible.
To add to the confusion I yell out “I love Muppet’s!” – which really stopped everyone mid-argument to figure out what the blazes I had moved on to next.
Finally, in order to gain control over the room which is now watching us argue and not paying any attention to either lawyer, one brave lawyer steps in between us and says,” You both may go. Thank you”.
We both stop talking and I hop out of the chair and walk towards the door. Unfortunately I have to walk out with this lady who is shooting daggers at me with her eyes.
The jury video promised that we would make life long friends at jury duty, but something tells me that she will not want to be pen pals when we exit.
*Again, I would like to point out that I know I am going to perdition for my behavior and truly am sorry for upsetting this lady with my outrageous remarks.